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Post by pigfartsstudent on Feb 3, 2014 5:15:29 GMT
I have always had trouble with writing anything more than a simple kiss when it comes to detail. I can say 'they snogged' or make references to the fact that they had sex, but I can't actually write it.
I'm trying to write a Drarry snogging scene, but I'm having trouble with it. I never know whether it's believable.
This is what I have so far:
(For context, Harry is in bed after collpasing the day before, and he only just woke up)
I feel like it's awkward and not quite right at all, and I've been focussing a lot on Draco, rather than Harry.
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Post by fydrarry on Feb 3, 2014 5:22:41 GMT
The "sticking his tongue into Harry's mouth" thing doesn't work for me... not sure how you would change it though.
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Post by pigfartsstudent on Feb 3, 2014 5:27:51 GMT
See, that's what I thought to. I don't know either, I'm so... I hate it when in fanfics they're playing tongue hockey or something, but at the same time, that's what they're doing?
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Post by Maxxie on Feb 3, 2014 5:43:14 GMT
You need to add "Their tongues battled for dominance" muahaha (I'm joking).
I'm giving it a try :
Harry’s lips parted and Draco's tongue found its way into Harry's mouth.
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Post by pigfartsstudent on Feb 3, 2014 5:50:23 GMT
You need to add "Their tongues battled for dominance" muahaha (I'm joking). I'm giving it a try : Harry’s lips parted and Draco's tongue found its way into Harry's mouth. OMG "Their tongues battled for dominance" is one of my big fanfic no-nos. I can't stand it. Hmm, I might try that one. Do you guys think that's better?
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Post by Maxxie on Feb 3, 2014 5:56:15 GMT
Yeah, however there's something that bothers me a bit in the structure. The last three sentences are constructed the same way, I'm not really sure how to show it though.
A bit like that : "part 1 of the sentence AND part 2 of the sentence". It's an ok structure of course, but I don't know, it seems a bit "heavy" when it's 3 sentences right after the other.
Maybe it's just me though.
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Post by pigfartsstudent on Feb 3, 2014 6:09:41 GMT
No, you're right, it's three sentences exactly like that. Okay.
How about:
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obliviateme
New Member
keep calm and drarry on ^^
Posts: 18
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Post by obliviateme on Feb 3, 2014 17:57:14 GMT
You've got a great start! I'm coming at you from an annoyingly pretentious creative writing major perspective, and in general, I try to show things as much as possible instead of telling them in fic. Although that's a bit hard sometimes especially if the fic is focused more on one character or the other. Like, instead of "Harry was a little surprised" you could say "Harry gasped" or "Harry's eyes widened" or "Harry's heart sped up", stuff like that. I find myself getting a little confused when there's too much description in a sex scene though, cause then I'm constantly wondering what position they're in and I'm just like whaaat? So I think mentioning what their bodies are doing should take up less words than the descriptions of their reactions, and that tends to be sexier, too. And switching up your sentence structure helps, too. Like: "His left hand found Harry's hair, fingers gripping. Harry's lips parted." Just makes it more interesting to read! ...I totally don't read smut all the time.
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Post by pigfartsstudent on Feb 4, 2014 3:20:30 GMT
I don't mind if you come at me from an 'annoyingly pretentious creative writing major perspective', I really don't. Only way to improve as a writer is for people to help, to listen to different people's opinions and preferences.
Thanks so much, I'll definitely work around.
I always have issues with description, most of the time it's not enough. And then I try to add some and I end up with doing too much.
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Post by ahleeshaa on Feb 4, 2014 4:59:10 GMT
Yeah, I think the issue I'm seeing is that you're spending a lot of time describing the mechanics of what they're doing, rather than how they're feeling or reacting. Like of course you want to give some descriptors for what they're doing physically, but reactions are always much more interesting for me.
Also, keep in mind sentence structure and try to switch it up a bit. The sentences in the paragraph you posted are basically all "Draco/Harry did X, and then he did Y," which tends to get repetitive pretty quickly. Try making some sentences shorter and some longer, throw some adjectives and adverbs in there, and try switching the subject of the sentences from Draco/Harry to their bodies or objects in the room from time to time. For example, instead of only writing, "Draco did X and then did Y," try throwing in sentences that are more like, "Harry's breath hitched in his throat and the blanket bunched in his fingers as Draco's tongue covered every inch of available skin." Or something. Hahaha That sentence focuses on the sensation of Harry's breath and the blanket on the bed, rather than just Harry's direct actions. Does that make sense?
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Post by pigfartsstudent on Feb 4, 2014 5:31:30 GMT
Thank you so much! I'll change things around and try and keep everything in mind. You are all very helpful!
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